Friday, June 6, 2008

Why Write and Paint?

Did anyone ever wonder why people write things? Obviously, a writer writes for a lot of different reasons. For instance, to inform others of some facts; to remind themselves of what to do next; to set regulations or procedures on some things or even just to share their thoughts.

I never thought I could write poetry or even short stories. In my high school, I used to write plays for our English Literature projects and in college I am the highest in class for essay writing. It is a funny thing now I couldn’t even get to write at least one sensible essay for my CBEST examination for a teaching credential. Poetry is something I could easily come up with. However, lately I just couldn’t write. Writing on my blog-page “Expression” is really helping when things play in my head and I couldn’t get it in lines of rhymes.

I also write for reasons. One main reason is to express myself when I couldn’t believe one would be able to understand over a sit down coffee conversations where my tangents shoot or how my heart aches. There were times when I couldn’t rationalize my own emotions myself, I just feel them, accept them and even try harder to understand them. Writing them would be so much easier than explaining them. Most of the times I feel invisible and I get frustrated when nobody seemed to see me, hear me or feel me., just as how I have written it in “Fantasy” At least through poetry, musings or even paintings, I have the freedom to say things about it or even illustrate it and don’t have to feel aggravated by the hypocrisy of a recipient of my actions or facial expressions.

Living today’s life isn’t simple and easy anymore. Most people are farther more attentive to worldly needs and familiar things than giving time to tap within their own soul and try to get to know the absoluteness of others. What I meant is we interact with each other based on how we could mutually satisfy our physical senses and not how our spirit could engage with one another. This is something I could hardly explain to others. When I wrote my poem “Elements of Life” and have people read it, most of them described it as “cerebral” and still they couldn’t grasp the message in its entirety. When it simply mean how a physical element that can be touched and seen be metaphorically symbolizes something that can’t be seen but felt and known if one will just take the time to appreciate the events and the God’s given life itself.

One should be able to know more about me through my poetry. This is also one of the reasons why I write… to be known, to be seen, to be felt. It doesn’t have to be now. I may be long gone from this world before someone could say…”So this is who she really was and who else knew?” During my "breathing" time, most people probably see me as a geek goddess who get her hips wider sitting, either in front of the computer and type “stuff” or Chinese sofa table and paint “craps”. However, I know better that in the future, someone will keep my works and will treasure them and hopefully will have them pass on as my legacy. They aren’t worth for museums, galleries or even reader’s digest, but they are fragments of my behavior and personality when put together become a what I am all about.
I have saved all my writings and my arts and still have not thought about whom I am going to entrust them to. I was hoping my own child but I no longer see that possible. So for now, I am still creating and writing with my invisibility and time will come my creations will resurrect me and then I will finally be seen.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

DUET

He stood on the fragile swaying pier
Waves rolling beneath his feet
She's so far away and wished she was near
The waves he watches as they meet
Reminds him of reuniting once again
And how one kiss would taste so sweet


Roaming alongside the unfrequented bay
Alone, her beloved was so far away
Water is placid as it crawls to the shore
Her heart in disturbance, she misses him more
Gazes upon the sky, to the sleeping crescent moon
Wishing to the North Star, “May he be home soon.”


Glaring lights help the men who fish
Among this crowd he feels so alone
Pier lights shine down on his only wish
He hears her name as timbers moan
Her waves he felt, he feels her moves
She is his beacon returning home

Astral lights withstanding the dull night
Underneath the luminous crowd, she’s the only one in sight
As everyone so asleep with their carousel of dreams
She hears his whispers, as close as they seem
His moans with hers, singing in duet
She feels his touch, the warmth of his breath

The waves rolled in as he walked the pier
Maybe she stands on a distant shore
All the while wishing she was near
She’d feel his love and feel sure
She’d sing her part in this duet
And never need anything more


Collaborative poetry by: garagepoet and rogie
(05-2007)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Heart Trouble

This week was a very busy one for me. Between the demands of my “bills-paying” job and my upcoming state exam, I don’t have any more room for anything else productive in my brain. Surprisingly, I can still write this on here. My mind is whorled and my heart is in trouble. I am definitely not pertaining to a cardiovascular ailment; I am talking about feelings and nothing more than feelings which I am pretty much sure I’ve already heard from a Johnny Mathis album.
Imagine this, whatever you may want to call it, I will briefly tell (yeah, I said briefly but we’ll see) the stories about my heart problems which have started in the past and still making trouble until now. And the story goes like this… Once upon a time, I met such a perfect gentleman, gorgeous and generous (wow, 3G’s?) just three months after the court gave the final declaration on my divorce. Everything started well with Mr. 3G’s until he was offered a job at a more complicated movie production which have stolen his life away, draining our pre-mature relationship down in the sewage the moment he accepted it. To make it less creative, my 3 months relationship with Mr. 3G ended. Obviously took me a lot longer than 3 months to accept and understand it. Along this period of delirium, my ability to write poems and stories diminished. I could hardly write or complete any artwork in watercolors. I also remember writing the owner of Twisted Brush Software and thanking him for the trial versions as it somehow helped me find the last strain of artistry left in me and managed to create some pictures to post on here.
Oh, here comes the better part…during those times of hurt, I developed friendships with some other people. I chat with them, joke with them, go out and dine, play bowling or even shop with a few. Only sometimes, when I get back to my 12 x 12 bedroom, the heart trouble caused by our break-up surfaced up again and it has been like this until the pain dissipated on its own course. Among these circle of friends, I found a good connection with Mr. D. He and I could talk at the Starbuck’s Coffee shop for several hours. We shared some good laughs, personal stories and plans, opinions, and even nonsense conversations. Simple, however very stimulating. We used to walk together, watch movies or hang out at his place. We almost made it to the point of no return but then when I sought clarification and he explained, we realized we should not confuse a romantic relationship over a good friendship. We left his place with our respect for each other intact. I saw a sign of disappointment in his eyes which I intentionally ignored. And we still have not regret the tremendous self control we kept that day seeing how we are now. The last time I saw him was the night before I left to my trip to the Philippines. I remembered talking with him overseas when he was in Arizona and I in my country. When I got back, he was already on training for interstate truck driving. And for several months, our communication was limited to weekly phone calls.
Through all this time, since last year, I have been chatting with someone special. He lives close by but we never got the chance to meet until this month. And getting to know him in person is one of the greatest experiences I had recently. He is very charming, considerately careful, cheerful and cuddly too. The friendship becomes so important to me and close to my heart that I am having difficulty on handling it. I am afraid that my affection will be misinterpreted as persuasive or obsessive. I can’t seem to interpret my own feelings this time. All I know is that I am happy when I’m talking to him or even better when I’m seeing him. Embracing him feels so comfortable that it makes all my troubles go away. Mr. 5C is the one that I could trust and care for. He is someone that I wish will see me through and grow to like me more. I can sense that I wasn’t really the one he is looking for. The trouble is he may be the one I have been. Truly we can only be responsible for our own feelings as I have mentioned repeatedly in my other writings, but feelings can’t also be denied however successful we may be able to mask or hide them. For now, I am enjoying the friendship he is willing to give to me. The rest I have no answer for, should I have…this blog won’t exist and I will be happy perhaps in his arms tonight.
Now that I have managed to state my disturbances and placed the most part of it on this page, I can set my dream aside for now since I am still awake and hopefully get them back in my sleep. To dream about him will be absolutely beautiful.

Yesterday with Friends

It’s Tuesday after a long weekend holiday. Didn’t seem to make any difference to me and I’m supposed to be working or studying but here I am, the geek goddess of writing (well at least I called myself goddess, LOL) Other than writing a check for the IRS, the rent and Macy’s Dept. store, today is just an ordinary day. Perhaps, it may be too early to say so since it is only 8:30 in the morning. I was already awake at 6:00 am, stayed in bed for another 15 minutes; then I thought about my sister and the money she was asking for my mother’s medications. So I got up, started my morning walk at 7:00am, went to the Western Union at Rite Aide and completed the transfer. I got back to my same 12 x 12 haven and fixed my bedroom a little bit.
Later, I called my friend to greet him a sweet good morning and also to see if we can meet today, but his schedule was always opposed to mine and all I got was his answering machine. I admire him a lot for working so hard and despite of all that, he managed to keep a clean and organized place. There are so many things to like about this person. He is gentle and kind, a person who would never take advantage of anyone. He has a very caring nature, always thinking about how other people feels. He values his family especially his parents, his buddies, his pets (oh yes, his beautiful cat and huge gold fishes) and of course, me. This blog is supposed to be about me, and why am I talking about him? LOL! Anyway, this is the type of person I am, especially when I keep someone close to my heart. So many people have touched my life but I only kept a few of those treasures. Some of them I really haven’t heard from any longer but I still wonder about them from time to time and say prayers for them.
Yesterday I have received a phone call from one of my dearest friend that I have met from my previous job in Los Angeles. We had a very happy conversation and lots of laughs and giggles. I remembered how her tears broke my heart as she told me about her previous marriage that she managed to pull herself away from after decades of tremendous efforts to keep it all together. As what everybody could say, some things just could never be fixed. And hearing her now just lifted my joy for her as well. So, we are planning to meet sometime this week and I am looking forward to that.
Last night, around 7:00pm, I got an instant message from my chat buddy from Jay, Florida. We met at the social network, Blog Writers and Artists Network back on May of last year. She wasn’t a writer but she sells books at e-bay. She was there and posted a blog asking if there is anyone who she can talk to her about her cancer. Few of the writers posted their replies and gave her comforting words. I chose to send her an e-mail and offered myself to her. She replied with her yahoo messenger id and that’s how we became chat friends. I have talked to her during the times she was receiving her Chemotherapy. I also have written this poem just for her back then.

ONLY I CAN

I can not promise
Things you ever wish
Only I can say
Every night a pray’r

I can never make
Miracles, magic
Only I can break
Silence as I speak

I can’t really heal
Lift the dizzy spells
Only I can empathize
‘Til your aches and pain subsides

I can’t run nor fly,
Wish I could stop by
Only I can spend with you
Times to sit and talk with you

I can’t guarantee
Everlasting glee
Only I can dare place
Smile on your pretty face

I can’t be your sister
May makes it all better
Only I can give my share
A friend who will always care


I remembered how happy she was when all the tests came back fine after her treatment. She had taken vacations to different places with her husband while I got busy with my own personal stuff. We lost communication since November. Then about a month ago, she wrote a broadcast message to all her friends that her cancer is back. I wrote her a letter, asking how she was. We exchanged a few e-mails just to keep ourselves updated for the time we’ve lost communication. So last night, we have talked again and asked me to create a Myspace account so she can add me. I wasn’t really a big fan of Myspace but just for her, I did it. We chatted for about an hour and I felt great knowing that I can still make her laugh with my craziness. I am also looking forward to talking with her more. It even crossed my mind a dozen times to take a trip to Florida and visit her. But for the meantime, I can only say my prayers and offer them just for her.
Then later last night, I said goodnight to my best friend then lay to sleep with a grateful heart.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

It's been a while

Yup!. It's been a while since I have last posted the latest copyrighted poetry. Since then, I haven't written anything substantial but mere scribbles and titles. It's a funny thing to realize that while most writers created the title last, I wrote mine first. I have about a dozen titles with themes in my head but unfortunately I can't put all these verses together. For several weeks in the past I have enjoyed creating artwork using free trial versions of Ken Carlino's Twisted Brush Software. Some of my creations I actually posted on here along with my poems. It inspired me to start my actual paintings with watercolors. I have made four artowrks so far which still need some final touch.

Aside from my writer's block issue, I have been more sickly lately and have been on and off antibiotics for Respiratory Infection. Although, I managed to get out of my routine and take my vacation. I went back to my home country, Philippines and spent some valuable time with my beloved mother, my sister, my cousin, nieces and nephews. Sometimes, I feel guilty complaining a lot about living and making a living in the United States each time I remember how far more difficult it is to survive in the Philippines. My older sister lost her job at a town city hall ever since a new official took the chair position and replaced the committee with his own people. My sister is a single parent of six children that she has needs to provide for. Now, I couldn't even imagine how they get through each day when they are just depending on our mother's VA pension with two college students. Sometimes, it bothers me too, when people waste a lot of things and a lot of money on vices or non-sense expenditure when people on other parts of the world couldn't even have a complete three meals each day. Now, thinking about them gives me more inspiration and great motivation for self improvement. The little that I make, I share with them and surprisingly, the more I give to them the more blessings come to me, all in different ways. Each night I say a prayer for them, I miss them always and not a single day that I would never think about them. Maybe, just maybe later on, I will be able to write something again.