Monday, August 30, 2010
I had this strangest dream last night. So emotionally strong that I woke up so sad and in tears. I was screaming and asking a man a question; I remembered repeating myself about three times trying to squeeze an answer out of him. Waking up without knowing the answer just gave me the intense feeling of lost.
What are dreams? So many books of theories in the library and thousands of web-pages pertaining to it, how one dream mean some thing.... Who does really know? So the psychics said, they were written in the stars, the moon and the sun; whispered in the wind, in the language of the animals, and the flow of water. How so? How can one be so sure that the twinkle of the star meant luck instead of awakening or the black meant life instead of death?
Some dreams are premonitions of how tomorrows are going to be...People call them "deja vu". But some dreams are just unfamiliar, the place, the person, the time...Was it a subconscious mind fabrications because of what we may be going through when we're awake? Regardless of we are enthusiastic, stressed or depressed? Just like how artists created their masterpieces with their primal consciousness, do subconscious minds tended to do the same in your sleep? Are dreams created by some things we ever so desire? Perhaps the things we hate or never wanted? Was it a message from a higher being; or may be a tap on our conscientiousness?
Dreams.... so they said were written in the sky, through stars, the moon , the sun.; whispered in the wind, the howls, the hoots and the waves. Dreams...what if they were just residing within us, hidden behind our own shadows, written on our palms, or the language of our souls? Or what if they were just series visionary creations in our sleep that meant absolutely nothing... Dreams, something or nothing?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Had a conversation with someone more than a couple of years ago. When you come across someone that touched the inner side of you and showed you your own reflection, it becomes difficult to let go of that person. He once said to me, "We are only loan to each other". In more than enough ways, he was right, no one and nothing is permanent; we deal with each as we live our lives until that opportunity or obstacle get past us.
I usually accept and understand it, until this once I just couldn't get over it. Sounds truly selfish but the memories was so strong that I keep rewinding it over and over again. Was it because I never get to meet him in person? Perhaps because he just disappeared without a word or reason. It confused me, still is, he said he loves me, he was grateful to get to know me, but then turned away like he never cared at all.
I remembered the day we had a conversation about the library in Baltimore, and if I am not mistaken, it was our third longest conversation. He described the place and his routines at the library and has told him maybe one day we can go to this library together. I remembered he laughed, probably to the strangest idea of an ordinary California girl traveling 3000 miles to see a book. I told him, it is more than just a book. Then I added, it would be a pleasure to meet a mentor in person and it would be an unfinished business not to.
And here I am, with one huge unfinished personal business. I don't want to be misunderstood that I rely my happiness on someone who is probably laughing at this insensibility. Some people can be just superficial; shrugs their shoulder for something like this and say..."Oh well, why bother?" For most of situations other than this, I would have shrugged my shoulders, maybe rolled my eyes, sighed, or even uttered a non-sensed comment and forgot about them. But I will be perfectly understood once one meet another who conversed with his/ her 6th sense. Some do call it a soul mate....I did. But each one has a different interpretation of it.
I have asked a respected writer, Thomas Reed of what his perception of a soul mate. In his response to my email he included, " In a way, being with your soul mate could be as sad as being separate from them. You know you have but this brief time together then once again you will be tossed to the winds of time and distance, once again forced to seek them out." With I am feeling right now, I absolutely agree with him. He also said shared a story from his highschool when a friend of his liked a girl so much that he didn't even want the idea of getting intimate with her. They have asked an elderly person a lesson about soul mates that he also shared with me. The old lady said, "Soul mates don't always mean they are the best when it comes to life mates. You will cut your arm off for a soul mate, but it doesn't mean that you will sleep with them, Not unless you just need a warm body on a cold night. think of someone that is so close to you that you would do anything for them, but you would never think of sleeping with them or making them your life mate. Not all soul mates are life mates, not all life mates are soul mates. Hell for that matter not all soul mates are the opposite sex. Soul mates are close, close as two people can get but they are not always lovers." Happiness is not a jewel that will fall from the sky and all we need to do is catch them. It can only be achieved by us making some things, one thing matters and happens. It doesn't always come with a guarantee, sometimes we won't get the answers we had hoped for. Such as never get the career we had spent most of our savings on, or children that we would hope to be there before you closed your eyes in the end, or the luxury in life that we were gaming on, or simply getting the opportunity to meet the one person that made a difference in you. Disappointing it may seems, life still goes on and I have got to move on. For all the good things that are happening to me now and some more that I know will nourish my heart and mind; and will put a smile on my face, I am grateful, very much so. The hole in my heart that stings from time to time is just necessary to balance my inner essence. So much so, my own unfinished business, that all I could do is hope that one day I will be able to complete.