Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Heart Trouble

This week was a very busy one for me. Between the demands of my “bills-paying” job and my upcoming state exam, I don’t have any more room for anything else productive in my brain. Surprisingly, I can still write this on here. My mind is whorled and my heart is in trouble. I am definitely not pertaining to a cardiovascular ailment; I am talking about feelings and nothing more than feelings which I am pretty much sure I’ve already heard from a Johnny Mathis album.
Imagine this, whatever you may want to call it, I will briefly tell (yeah, I said briefly but we’ll see) the stories about my heart problems which have started in the past and still making trouble until now. And the story goes like this… Once upon a time, I met such a perfect gentleman, gorgeous and generous (wow, 3G’s?) just three months after the court gave the final declaration on my divorce. Everything started well with Mr. 3G’s until he was offered a job at a more complicated movie production which have stolen his life away, draining our pre-mature relationship down in the sewage the moment he accepted it. To make it less creative, my 3 months relationship with Mr. 3G ended. Obviously took me a lot longer than 3 months to accept and understand it. Along this period of delirium, my ability to write poems and stories diminished. I could hardly write or complete any artwork in watercolors. I also remember writing the owner of Twisted Brush Software and thanking him for the trial versions as it somehow helped me find the last strain of artistry left in me and managed to create some pictures to post on here.
Oh, here comes the better part…during those times of hurt, I developed friendships with some other people. I chat with them, joke with them, go out and dine, play bowling or even shop with a few. Only sometimes, when I get back to my 12 x 12 bedroom, the heart trouble caused by our break-up surfaced up again and it has been like this until the pain dissipated on its own course. Among these circle of friends, I found a good connection with Mr. D. He and I could talk at the Starbuck’s Coffee shop for several hours. We shared some good laughs, personal stories and plans, opinions, and even nonsense conversations. Simple, however very stimulating. We used to walk together, watch movies or hang out at his place. We almost made it to the point of no return but then when I sought clarification and he explained, we realized we should not confuse a romantic relationship over a good friendship. We left his place with our respect for each other intact. I saw a sign of disappointment in his eyes which I intentionally ignored. And we still have not regret the tremendous self control we kept that day seeing how we are now. The last time I saw him was the night before I left to my trip to the Philippines. I remembered talking with him overseas when he was in Arizona and I in my country. When I got back, he was already on training for interstate truck driving. And for several months, our communication was limited to weekly phone calls.
Through all this time, since last year, I have been chatting with someone special. He lives close by but we never got the chance to meet until this month. And getting to know him in person is one of the greatest experiences I had recently. He is very charming, considerately careful, cheerful and cuddly too. The friendship becomes so important to me and close to my heart that I am having difficulty on handling it. I am afraid that my affection will be misinterpreted as persuasive or obsessive. I can’t seem to interpret my own feelings this time. All I know is that I am happy when I’m talking to him or even better when I’m seeing him. Embracing him feels so comfortable that it makes all my troubles go away. Mr. 5C is the one that I could trust and care for. He is someone that I wish will see me through and grow to like me more. I can sense that I wasn’t really the one he is looking for. The trouble is he may be the one I have been. Truly we can only be responsible for our own feelings as I have mentioned repeatedly in my other writings, but feelings can’t also be denied however successful we may be able to mask or hide them. For now, I am enjoying the friendship he is willing to give to me. The rest I have no answer for, should I have…this blog won’t exist and I will be happy perhaps in his arms tonight.
Now that I have managed to state my disturbances and placed the most part of it on this page, I can set my dream aside for now since I am still awake and hopefully get them back in my sleep. To dream about him will be absolutely beautiful.

Yesterday with Friends

It’s Tuesday after a long weekend holiday. Didn’t seem to make any difference to me and I’m supposed to be working or studying but here I am, the geek goddess of writing (well at least I called myself goddess, LOL) Other than writing a check for the IRS, the rent and Macy’s Dept. store, today is just an ordinary day. Perhaps, it may be too early to say so since it is only 8:30 in the morning. I was already awake at 6:00 am, stayed in bed for another 15 minutes; then I thought about my sister and the money she was asking for my mother’s medications. So I got up, started my morning walk at 7:00am, went to the Western Union at Rite Aide and completed the transfer. I got back to my same 12 x 12 haven and fixed my bedroom a little bit.
Later, I called my friend to greet him a sweet good morning and also to see if we can meet today, but his schedule was always opposed to mine and all I got was his answering machine. I admire him a lot for working so hard and despite of all that, he managed to keep a clean and organized place. There are so many things to like about this person. He is gentle and kind, a person who would never take advantage of anyone. He has a very caring nature, always thinking about how other people feels. He values his family especially his parents, his buddies, his pets (oh yes, his beautiful cat and huge gold fishes) and of course, me. This blog is supposed to be about me, and why am I talking about him? LOL! Anyway, this is the type of person I am, especially when I keep someone close to my heart. So many people have touched my life but I only kept a few of those treasures. Some of them I really haven’t heard from any longer but I still wonder about them from time to time and say prayers for them.
Yesterday I have received a phone call from one of my dearest friend that I have met from my previous job in Los Angeles. We had a very happy conversation and lots of laughs and giggles. I remembered how her tears broke my heart as she told me about her previous marriage that she managed to pull herself away from after decades of tremendous efforts to keep it all together. As what everybody could say, some things just could never be fixed. And hearing her now just lifted my joy for her as well. So, we are planning to meet sometime this week and I am looking forward to that.
Last night, around 7:00pm, I got an instant message from my chat buddy from Jay, Florida. We met at the social network, Blog Writers and Artists Network back on May of last year. She wasn’t a writer but she sells books at e-bay. She was there and posted a blog asking if there is anyone who she can talk to her about her cancer. Few of the writers posted their replies and gave her comforting words. I chose to send her an e-mail and offered myself to her. She replied with her yahoo messenger id and that’s how we became chat friends. I have talked to her during the times she was receiving her Chemotherapy. I also have written this poem just for her back then.

ONLY I CAN

I can not promise
Things you ever wish
Only I can say
Every night a pray’r

I can never make
Miracles, magic
Only I can break
Silence as I speak

I can’t really heal
Lift the dizzy spells
Only I can empathize
‘Til your aches and pain subsides

I can’t run nor fly,
Wish I could stop by
Only I can spend with you
Times to sit and talk with you

I can’t guarantee
Everlasting glee
Only I can dare place
Smile on your pretty face

I can’t be your sister
May makes it all better
Only I can give my share
A friend who will always care


I remembered how happy she was when all the tests came back fine after her treatment. She had taken vacations to different places with her husband while I got busy with my own personal stuff. We lost communication since November. Then about a month ago, she wrote a broadcast message to all her friends that her cancer is back. I wrote her a letter, asking how she was. We exchanged a few e-mails just to keep ourselves updated for the time we’ve lost communication. So last night, we have talked again and asked me to create a Myspace account so she can add me. I wasn’t really a big fan of Myspace but just for her, I did it. We chatted for about an hour and I felt great knowing that I can still make her laugh with my craziness. I am also looking forward to talking with her more. It even crossed my mind a dozen times to take a trip to Florida and visit her. But for the meantime, I can only say my prayers and offer them just for her.
Then later last night, I said goodnight to my best friend then lay to sleep with a grateful heart.