This week was a very busy one for me. Between the demands of my “bills-paying” job and my upcoming state exam, I don’t have any more room for anything else productive in my brain. Surprisingly, I can still write this on here. My mind is whorled and my heart is in trouble. I am definitely not pertaining to a cardiovascular ailment; I am talking about feelings and nothing more than feelings which I am pretty much sure I’ve already heard from a Johnny Mathis album.
Imagine this, whatever you may want to call it, I will briefly tell (yeah, I said briefly but we’ll see) the stories about my heart problems which have started in the past and still making trouble until now. And the story goes like this… Once upon a time, I met such a perfect gentleman, gorgeous and generous (wow, 3G’s?) just three months after the court gave the final declaration on my divorce. Everything started well with Mr. 3G’s until he was offered a job at a more complicated movie production which have stolen his life away, draining our pre-mature relationship down in the sewage the moment he accepted it. To make it less creative, my 3 months relationship with Mr. 3G ended. Obviously took me a lot longer than 3 months to accept and understand it. Along this period of delirium, my ability to write poems and stories diminished. I could hardly write or complete any artwork in watercolors. I also remember writing the owner of Twisted Brush Software and thanking him for the trial versions as it somehow helped me find the last strain of artistry left in me and managed to create some pictures to post on here.
Oh, here comes the better part…during those times of hurt, I developed friendships with some other people. I chat with them, joke with them, go out and dine, play bowling or even shop with a few. Only sometimes, when I get back to my 12 x 12 bedroom, the heart trouble caused by our break-up surfaced up again and it has been like this until the pain dissipated on its own course. Among these circle of friends, I found a good connection with Mr. D. He and I could talk at the Starbuck’s Coffee shop for several hours. We shared some good laughs, personal stories and plans, opinions, and even nonsense conversations. Simple, however very stimulating. We used to walk together, watch movies or hang out at his place. We almost made it to the point of no return but then when I sought clarification and he explained, we realized we should not confuse a romantic relationship over a good friendship. We left his place with our respect for each other intact. I saw a sign of disappointment in his eyes which I intentionally ignored. And we still have not regret the tremendous self control we kept that day seeing how we are now. The last time I saw him was the night before I left to my trip to the Philippines. I remembered talking with him overseas when he was in Arizona and I in my country. When I got back, he was already on training for interstate truck driving. And for several months, our communication was limited to weekly phone calls.
Through all this time, since last year, I have been chatting with someone special. He lives close by but we never got the chance to meet until this month. And getting to know him in person is one of the greatest experiences I had recently. He is very charming, considerately careful, cheerful and cuddly too. The friendship becomes so important to me and close to my heart that I am having difficulty on handling it. I am afraid that my affection will be misinterpreted as persuasive or obsessive. I can’t seem to interpret my own feelings this time. All I know is that I am happy when I’m talking to him or even better when I’m seeing him. Embracing him feels so comfortable that it makes all my troubles go away. Mr. 5C is the one that I could trust and care for. He is someone that I wish will see me through and grow to like me more. I can sense that I wasn’t really the one he is looking for. The trouble is he may be the one I have been. Truly we can only be responsible for our own feelings as I have mentioned repeatedly in my other writings, but feelings can’t also be denied however successful we may be able to mask or hide them. For now, I am enjoying the friendship he is willing to give to me. The rest I have no answer for, should I have…this blog won’t exist and I will be happy perhaps in his arms tonight.
Now that I have managed to state my disturbances and placed the most part of it on this page, I can set my dream aside for now since I am still awake and hopefully get them back in my sleep. To dream about him will be absolutely beautiful.
Imagine this, whatever you may want to call it, I will briefly tell (yeah, I said briefly but we’ll see) the stories about my heart problems which have started in the past and still making trouble until now. And the story goes like this… Once upon a time, I met such a perfect gentleman, gorgeous and generous (wow, 3G’s?) just three months after the court gave the final declaration on my divorce. Everything started well with Mr. 3G’s until he was offered a job at a more complicated movie production which have stolen his life away, draining our pre-mature relationship down in the sewage the moment he accepted it. To make it less creative, my 3 months relationship with Mr. 3G ended. Obviously took me a lot longer than 3 months to accept and understand it. Along this period of delirium, my ability to write poems and stories diminished. I could hardly write or complete any artwork in watercolors. I also remember writing the owner of Twisted Brush Software and thanking him for the trial versions as it somehow helped me find the last strain of artistry left in me and managed to create some pictures to post on here.
Oh, here comes the better part…during those times of hurt, I developed friendships with some other people. I chat with them, joke with them, go out and dine, play bowling or even shop with a few. Only sometimes, when I get back to my 12 x 12 bedroom, the heart trouble caused by our break-up surfaced up again and it has been like this until the pain dissipated on its own course. Among these circle of friends, I found a good connection with Mr. D. He and I could talk at the Starbuck’s Coffee shop for several hours. We shared some good laughs, personal stories and plans, opinions, and even nonsense conversations. Simple, however very stimulating. We used to walk together, watch movies or hang out at his place. We almost made it to the point of no return but then when I sought clarification and he explained, we realized we should not confuse a romantic relationship over a good friendship. We left his place with our respect for each other intact. I saw a sign of disappointment in his eyes which I intentionally ignored. And we still have not regret the tremendous self control we kept that day seeing how we are now. The last time I saw him was the night before I left to my trip to the Philippines. I remembered talking with him overseas when he was in Arizona and I in my country. When I got back, he was already on training for interstate truck driving. And for several months, our communication was limited to weekly phone calls.
Through all this time, since last year, I have been chatting with someone special. He lives close by but we never got the chance to meet until this month. And getting to know him in person is one of the greatest experiences I had recently. He is very charming, considerately careful, cheerful and cuddly too. The friendship becomes so important to me and close to my heart that I am having difficulty on handling it. I am afraid that my affection will be misinterpreted as persuasive or obsessive. I can’t seem to interpret my own feelings this time. All I know is that I am happy when I’m talking to him or even better when I’m seeing him. Embracing him feels so comfortable that it makes all my troubles go away. Mr. 5C is the one that I could trust and care for. He is someone that I wish will see me through and grow to like me more. I can sense that I wasn’t really the one he is looking for. The trouble is he may be the one I have been. Truly we can only be responsible for our own feelings as I have mentioned repeatedly in my other writings, but feelings can’t also be denied however successful we may be able to mask or hide them. For now, I am enjoying the friendship he is willing to give to me. The rest I have no answer for, should I have…this blog won’t exist and I will be happy perhaps in his arms tonight.
Now that I have managed to state my disturbances and placed the most part of it on this page, I can set my dream aside for now since I am still awake and hopefully get them back in my sleep. To dream about him will be absolutely beautiful.
2 comments:
Rogie, I'm sorry you've had so much trouble with your friends. Sure do hope your friendship with Mr.5c continues to grow. Good luck my friend.
Thanks, Ruth
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