Dreams

I had this strangest dream last night. So emotionally strong that I woke up so sad and in tears. I was screaming and asking a man a question; I remembered repeating myself about three times trying to squeeze an answer out of him. Waking up without knowing the answer just gave me the intense feeling of lost.

What are dreams? So many books of theories in the library and thousands of web-pages pertaining to it, how one dream mean some thing.... Who does really know? So the psychics said, they were written in the stars, the moon and the sun; whispered in the wind, in the language of the animals, and the flow of water. How so? How can one be so sure that the twinkle of the star meant luck instead of awakening or the black meant life instead of death?

Some dreams are premonitions of how tomorrows are going to be...People call them "deja vu". But some dreams are just unfamiliar, the place, the person, the time...Was it a subconscious mind fabrications because of what we may be going through when we're awake? Regardless of we are enthusiastic, stressed or depressed? Just like how artists created their masterpieces with their primal consciousness, do subconscious minds tended to do the same in your sleep? Are dreams created by some things we ever so desire? Perhaps the things we hate or never wanted? Was it a message from a higher being; or may be a tap on our conscientiousness?

Dreams.... so they said were written in the sky, through stars, the moon , the sun.; whispered in the wind, the howls, the hoots and the waves. Dreams...what if they were just residing within us, hidden behind our own shadows, written on our palms, or the language of our souls? Or what if they were just series visionary creations in our sleep that meant absolutely nothing... Dreams, something or nothing?

Unfinished Business

Had a conversation with someone more than a couple of years ago. When you come across someone that touched the inner side of you and showed you your own reflection, it becomes difficult to let go of that person. He once said to me, "We are only loan to each other". In more than enough ways, he was right, no one and nothing is permanent; we deal with each as we live our lives until that opportunity or obstacle get past us.

I usually accept and understand it, until this once I just couldn't get over it. Sounds truly selfish but the memories was so strong that I keep rewinding it over and over again. Was it because I never get to meet him in person? Perhaps because he just disappeared without a word or reason. It confused me, still is, he said he loves me, he was grateful to get to know me, but then turned away like he never cared at all.

I remembered the day we had a conversation about the library in Baltimore, and if I am not mistaken, it was our third longest conversation. He described the place and his routines at the library and has told him maybe one day we can go to this library together. I remembered he laughed, probably to the strangest idea of an ordinary California girl traveling 3000 miles to see a book. I told him, it is more than just a book. Then I added, it would be a pleasure to meet a mentor in person and it would be an unfinished business not to.

And here I am, with one huge unfinished personal business. I don't want to be misunderstood that I rely my happiness on someone who is probably laughing at this insensibility. Some people can be just superficial; shrugs their shoulder for something like this and say..."Oh well, why bother?" For most of situations other than this, I would have shrugged my shoulders, maybe rolled my eyes, sighed, or even uttered a non-sensed comment and forgot about them. But I will be perfectly understood once one meet another who conversed with his/ her 6th sense. Some do call it a soul mate....I did. But each one has a different interpretation of it.

I have asked a respected writer, Thomas Reed of what his perception of a soul mate. In his response to my email he included, " In a way, being with your soul mate could be as sad as being separate from them. You know you have but this brief time together then once again you will be tossed to the winds of time and distance, once again forced to seek them out." With I am feeling right now, I absolutely agree with him. He also said shared a story from his highschool when a friend of his liked a girl so much that he didn't even want the idea of getting intimate with her. They have asked an elderly person a lesson about soul mates that he also shared with me. The old lady said, "Soul mates don't always mean they are the best when it comes to life mates. You will cut your arm off for a soul mate, but it doesn't mean that you will sleep with them, Not unless you just need a warm body on a cold night. think of someone that is so close to you that you would do anything for them, but you would never think of sleeping with them or making them your life mate. Not all soul mates are life mates, not all life mates are soul mates. Hell for that matter not all soul mates are the opposite sex. Soul mates are close, close as two people can get but they are not always lovers." Happiness is not a jewel that will fall from the sky and all we need to do is catch them. It can only be achieved by us making some things, one thing matters and happens. It doesn't always come with a guarantee, sometimes we won't get the answers we had hoped for. Such as never get the career we had spent most of our savings on, or children that we would hope to be there before you closed your eyes in the end, or the luxury in life that we were gaming on, or simply getting the opportunity to meet the one person that made a difference in you. Disappointing it may seems, life still goes on and I have got to move on. For all the good things that are happening to me now and some more that I know will nourish my heart and mind; and will put a smile on my face, I am grateful, very much so. The hole in my heart that stings from time to time is just necessary to balance my inner essence. So much so, my own unfinished business, that all I could do is hope that one day I will be able to complete.

Clipped Wings

Every one's idea of angels is always spiritual of nature, often described as of the young's resemblance, dressed in white piece of cloth with huge all white feathered wings. There truly are angels, the ones that God sends to help the troubled, kiss the ills, strengthen the weak, and keep the children. Angels live in every child's heart. They laugh with them in joy and cries with them in sorrow. They stay among them to protect their innocence, keep them safe from harm and assure God's love in every one.

Once I asked God, how come I wasn't blessed to be a mother? There were so many people who brought children into this world then never cared for them, never loved them, never even bother to turn around and give a second look at them. I question the unfairness of the world how could the other heartless adults were chosen to bring these children about and then just hurt them? That these neglected and abandoned children should pay the price for their ignorance. In the silence of the night you will hear their endless pleas, "I wish I was never born".

In my family I have plenty of nieces and nephews. I love each and everyone of them. I talked to their angels and asked them to stay with them and keep them safe and healthy. I help and supported each one of them in my own little ways. But I still am not the "one".... the one that brought them here, the hand they want to hold and want to hold them, the kiss they want at night before bed, the one they call upon when they lost their first tooth, the one they run to when they fall on their knees, the one they call "mom" or "dad", the one they wish to be by their side when they blow their birthday candles and the one they can show off to their new shoes, new tooth or school cards.

Once a child is denied of happiness, his/ her angel's wing gets clipped. And it will take a very long time to forever before a new one grows, just as a child will carry it along, the sadness seeps from the deepest of his/ her heart. They may laugh at different joys and achievements but the one they will most remember is what hurt them the most. How did I know this? I am one of them with angel's wings were clipped.

Karma will come across to those who abandon the children, to those who deny their existence and to those hurt their tiny hearts. Say your prayers for the children, give them the opportunity to become a better us. Let their angels fly their spirits high by giving them love and assurance that when they need you...you will be there!

Forgotten Michael's Song

I' ve always love this song since I was in grade school, for it's melody and the message it brought to me... We mostly can't realize the importance of something or someone until we don't have it anymore. And all will be left is a memory of it.

ONE DAY IN YOUR LIFE

(by: Michael Jackson)

One day in your life

You'll remember a place

Someone touching your face

You'll come back and you'll look around, you'll . . .

One day in your life

You'll remember the love you found here

You'll remember me somehow

Though you don't need me now

I will stay in your heart

And when things fall apart

You'll remember one day . . .

One day in your life

When you find that you're always waiting

For a love we used to share

Just call my name, and I'll be there

You'll remember me somehow

Though you don't need me now

I will stay in your heart

And when things fall apart

You'll remember one day . . .

One day in your life

When you find that you're always lonely

For a love we used to share

Just call my name, and I'll be there.

Who knows who?

A year ago, a friend of mine sent me a humor mail containing different comic strips and verses about corporate morale. Money talking or not, human behaviors still play the businesses orchestra, whether it is a small retail store business, an insurance company, manufacturers or even government. People begin to lose the idea of working hard to get "there", why? It is so much easier to get promoted if you know who to "tickle". They master their creativity into pleasing their superiors by learning so much about this person. What's worst? It has nothing to do with the corporation but rather the "in-corporation" that always play a louder music and always gets all the attention.


In my personal professional experience in the health-care industry, I have established my credibility as an employee by working so unbelievably hard and perform the tasks I was assigned to do to the highest quality. I, not only learned the job but mastered it. Through the years I have received over a dozen of recommendation letters from providers, consultants and co-workers. My experiences in the area of Health Information Management somehow made it easy for me to get hired for the same position for decades. However, getting promotion was out of the question as my intelligence and capabilities are obviously not the "criteria" needed to get the advancement I deserve. Simply because....I don't kiss ass! Wow, i said that loud, didn't I? In my working environment, a good observant will be able to determine who the "disciples" are. You sometimes will see them parading in the workplace like a "mafia". Are they all exemplary employees? Well, depends on what area we're pertaining to. Working it in or working it out?


A business won't last, may shine for a while but won't last unless the morale practices involve use of better judgments on assigning people to perform the work needed to get done. The economy needed people who can make it survive not who can go around it. Each role in a particular business operation is significant and each position must function to it's appropriate level of performance to keep a clean and progressive business operation. The mainframe of any enterprise or administration is staffing. There are lots of qualified honest employees and people who really have good potential to learn and perform adequately once given the opportunity, far more ethical and skilled. As long as someone in the corporate administration keep the nepotistic practice to its exaggeration, no business operation will last.



(here's a borrowed clip for your entertainment)

http://www.berro.com/entertainment/corporate.htm

http://www.authorstream.com/Presentation/Lilly-10339-Corporate-Lessons-CORPORATE-LESSONS-corporate-lessons-ppt-powerpoint/

Why Write and Paint?

Did anyone ever wonder why people write things? Obviously, a writer writes for a lot of different reasons. For instance, to inform others of some facts; to remind themselves of what to do next; to set regulations or procedures on some things or even just to share their thoughts.

I never thought I could write poetry or even short stories. In my high school, I used to write plays for our English Literature projects and in college I am the highest in class for essay writing. It is a funny thing now I couldn’t even get to write at least one sensible essay for my CBEST examination for a teaching credential. Poetry is something I could easily come up with. However, lately I just couldn’t write. Writing on my blog-page “Expression” is really helping when things play in my head and I couldn’t get it in lines of rhymes.

I also write for reasons. One main reason is to express myself when I couldn’t believe one would be able to understand over a sit down coffee conversations where my tangents shoot or how my heart aches. There were times when I couldn’t rationalize my own emotions myself, I just feel them, accept them and even try harder to understand them. Writing them would be so much easier than explaining them. Most of the times I feel invisible and I get frustrated when nobody seemed to see me, hear me or feel me., just as how I have written it in “Fantasy” At least through poetry, musings or even paintings, I have the freedom to say things about it or even illustrate it and don’t have to feel aggravated by the hypocrisy of a recipient of my actions or facial expressions.

Living today’s life isn’t simple and easy anymore. Most people are farther more attentive to worldly needs and familiar things than giving time to tap within their own soul and try to get to know the absoluteness of others. What I meant is we interact with each other based on how we could mutually satisfy our physical senses and not how our spirit could engage with one another. This is something I could hardly explain to others. When I wrote my poem “Elements of Life” and have people read it, most of them described it as “cerebral” and still they couldn’t grasp the message in its entirety. When it simply mean how a physical element that can be touched and seen be metaphorically symbolizes something that can’t be seen but felt and known if one will just take the time to appreciate the events and the God’s given life itself.

One should be able to know more about me through my poetry. This is also one of the reasons why I write… to be known, to be seen, to be felt. It doesn’t have to be now. I may be long gone from this world before someone could say…”So this is who she really was and who else knew?” During my "breathing" time, most people probably see me as a geek goddess who get her hips wider sitting, either in front of the computer and type “stuff” or Chinese sofa table and paint “craps”. However, I know better that in the future, someone will keep my works and will treasure them and hopefully will have them pass on as my legacy. They aren’t worth for museums, galleries or even reader’s digest, but they are fragments of my behavior and personality when put together become a what I am all about.

I have saved all my writings and my arts and still have not thought about whom I am going to entrust them to. I was hoping my own child but I no longer see that possible. So for now, I am still creating and writing with my invisibility and time will come my creations will resurrect me and then I will finally be seen.

Heart Trouble

This week was a very busy one for me. Between the demands of my “bills-paying” job and my upcoming state exam, I don’t have any more room for anything else productive in my brain. Surprisingly, I can still write this on here. My mind is whorled and my heart is in trouble. I am definitely not pertaining to a cardiovascular ailment; I am talking about feelings and nothing more than feelings which I am pretty much sure I’ve already heard from a Johnny Mathis album.
Imagine this, whatever you may want to call it, I will briefly tell (yeah, I said briefly but we’ll see) the stories about my heart problems which have started in the past and still making trouble until now. And the story goes like this… Once upon a time, I met such a perfect gentleman, gorgeous and generous (wow, 3G’s?) just three months after the court gave the final declaration on my divorce. Everything started well with Mr. 3G’s until he was offered a job at a more complicated movie production which have stolen his life away, draining our pre-mature relationship down in the sewage the moment he accepted it. To make it less creative, my 3 months relationship with Mr. 3G ended. Obviously took me a lot longer than 3 months to accept and understand it. Along this period of delirium, my ability to write poems and stories diminished. I could hardly write or complete any artwork in watercolors. I also remember writing the owner of Twisted Brush Software and thanking him for the trial versions as it somehow helped me find the last strain of artistry left in me and managed to create some pictures to post on here.
Oh, here comes the better part…during those times of hurt, I developed friendships with some other people. I chat with them, joke with them, go out and dine, play bowling or even shop with a few. Only sometimes, when I get back to my 12 x 12 bedroom, the heart trouble caused by our break-up surfaced up again and it has been like this until the pain dissipated on its own course. Among these circle of friends, I found a good connection with Mr. D. He and I could talk at the Starbuck’s Coffee shop for several hours. We shared some good laughs, personal stories and plans, opinions, and even nonsense conversations. Simple, however very stimulating. We used to walk together, watch movies or hang out at his place. We almost made it to the point of no return but then when I sought clarification and he explained, we realized we should not confuse a romantic relationship over a good friendship. We left his place with our respect for each other intact. I saw a sign of disappointment in his eyes which I intentionally ignored. And we still have not regret the tremendous self control we kept that day seeing how we are now. The last time I saw him was the night before I left to my trip to the Philippines. I remembered talking with him overseas when he was in Arizona and I in my country. When I got back, he was already on training for interstate truck driving. And for several months, our communication was limited to weekly phone calls.
Through all this time, since last year, I have been chatting with someone special. He lives close by but we never got the chance to meet until this month. And getting to know him in person is one of the greatest experiences I had recently. He is very charming, considerately careful, cheerful and cuddly too. The friendship becomes so important to me and close to my heart that I am having difficulty on handling it. I am afraid that my affection will be misinterpreted as persuasive or obsessive. I can’t seem to interpret my own feelings this time. All I know is that I am happy when I’m talking to him or even better when I’m seeing him. Embracing him feels so comfortable that it makes all my troubles go away. Mr. 5C is the one that I could trust and care for. He is someone that I wish will see me through and grow to like me more. I can sense that I wasn’t really the one he is looking for. The trouble is he may be the one I have been. Truly we can only be responsible for our own feelings as I have mentioned repeatedly in my other writings, but feelings can’t also be denied however successful we may be able to mask or hide them. For now, I am enjoying the friendship he is willing to give to me. The rest I have no answer for, should I have…this blog won’t exist and I will be happy perhaps in his arms tonight.
Now that I have managed to state my disturbances and placed the most part of it on this page, I can set my dream aside for now since I am still awake and hopefully get them back in my sleep. To dream about him will be absolutely beautiful.

Yesterday with Friends

It’s Tuesday after a long weekend holiday. Didn’t seem to make any difference to me and I’m supposed to be working or studying but here I am, the geek goddess of writing (well at least I called myself goddess, LOL) Other than writing a check for the IRS, the rent and Macy’s Dept. store, today is just an ordinary day. Perhaps, it may be too early to say so since it is only 8:30 in the morning. I was already awake at 6:00 am, stayed in bed for another 15 minutes; then I thought about my sister and the money she was asking for my mother’s medications. So I got up, started my morning walk at 7:00am, went to the Western Union at Rite Aide and completed the transfer. I got back to my same 12 x 12 haven and fixed my bedroom a little bit.
Later, I called my friend to greet him a sweet good morning and also to see if we can meet today, but his schedule was always opposed to mine and all I got was his answering machine. I admire him a lot for working so hard and despite of all that, he managed to keep a clean and organized place. There are so many things to like about this person. He is gentle and kind, a person who would never take advantage of anyone. He has a very caring nature, always thinking about how other people feels. He values his family especially his parents, his buddies, his pets (oh yes, his beautiful cat and huge gold fishes) and of course, me. This blog is supposed to be about me, and why am I talking about him? LOL! Anyway, this is the type of person I am, especially when I keep someone close to my heart. So many people have touched my life but I only kept a few of those treasures. Some of them I really haven’t heard from any longer but I still wonder about them from time to time and say prayers for them.
Yesterday I have received a phone call from one of my dearest friend that I have met from my previous job in Los Angeles. We had a very happy conversation and lots of laughs and giggles. I remembered how her tears broke my heart as she told me about her previous marriage that she managed to pull herself away from after decades of tremendous efforts to keep it all together. As what everybody could say, some things just could never be fixed. And hearing her now just lifted my joy for her as well. So, we are planning to meet sometime this week and I am looking forward to that.
Last night, around 7:00pm, I got an instant message from my chat buddy from Jay, Florida. We met at the social network, Blog Writers and Artists Network back on May of last year. She wasn’t a writer but she sells books at e-bay. She was there and posted a blog asking if there is anyone who she can talk to her about her cancer. Few of the writers posted their replies and gave her comforting words. I chose to send her an e-mail and offered myself to her. She replied with her yahoo messenger id and that’s how we became chat friends. I have talked to her during the times she was receiving her Chemotherapy. I also have written this poem just for her back then.

ONLY I CAN

I can not promise
Things you ever wish
Only I can say
Every night a pray’r

I can never make
Miracles, magic
Only I can break
Silence as I speak

I can’t really heal
Lift the dizzy spells
Only I can empathize
‘Til your aches and pain subsides

I can’t run nor fly,
Wish I could stop by
Only I can spend with you
Times to sit and talk with you

I can’t guarantee
Everlasting glee
Only I can dare place
Smile on your pretty face

I can’t be your sister
May makes it all better
Only I can give my share
A friend who will always care

I remembered how happy she was when all the tests came back fine after her treatment. She had taken vacations to different places with her husband while I got busy with my own personal stuff. We lost communication since November. Then about a month ago, she wrote a broadcast message to all her friends that her cancer is back. I wrote her a letter, asking how she was. We exchanged a few e-mails just to keep ourselves updated for the time we’ve lost communication. So last night, we have talked again and asked me to create a Myspace account so she can add me. I wasn’t really a big fan of Myspace but just for her, I did it. We chatted for about an hour and I felt great knowing that I can still make her laugh with my craziness. I am also looking forward to talking with her more. It even crossed my mind a dozen times to take a trip to Florida and visit her. But for the meantime, I can only say my prayers and offer them just for her.

Then later last night, I said goodnight to my best friend then lay to sleep with a grateful heart.

It's been a while

Yup!. It's been a while since I have last posted the latest copyrighted poetry. Since then, I haven't written anything substantial but mere scribbles and titles. It's a funny thing to realize that while most writers created the title last, I wrote mine first. I have about a dozen titles with themes in my head but unfortunately I can't put all these verses together. For several weeks in the past I have enjoyed creating artwork using free trial versions of Ken Carlino's Twisted Brush Software. Some of my creations I actually posted on here along with my poems. It inspired me to start my actual paintings with watercolors. I have made four artowrks so far which still need some final touch.

Aside from my writer's block issue, I have been more sickly lately and have been on and off antibiotics for Respiratory Infection. Although, I managed to get out of my routine and take my vacation. I went back to my home country, Philippines and spent some valuable time with my beloved mother, my sister, my cousin, nieces and nephews. Sometimes, I feel guilty complaining a lot about living and making a living in the United States each time I remember how far more difficult it is to survive in the Philippines. My older sister lost her job at a town city hall ever since a new official took the chair position and replaced the committee with his own people. My sister is a single parent of six children that she has needs to provide for. Now, I couldn't even imagine how they get through each day when they are just depending on our mother's VA pension with two college students. Sometimes, it bothers me too, when people waste a lot of things and a lot of money on vices or non-sense expenditure when people on other parts of the world couldn't even have a complete three meals each day. Now, thinking about them gives me more inspiration and great motivation for self improvement. The little that I make, I share with them and surprisingly, the more I give to them the more blessings come to me, all in different ways. Each night I say a prayer for them, I miss them always and not a single day that I would never think about them. Maybe, just maybe later on, I will be able to write something again.

Chambers of One True Love

Do you know that love is divided into chambers just like your heart organ itself? If a human heart has auricles and ventricles, one true love is chambered into four: the mind, heart, body and soul. What if someone tells you "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU" but never hug or kiss, wouldn't you doubt it? What if someone always express it to you but never tells you, would you rely on it? What if someone says, "I LOVE YOU" but pertains to someone as his or her soul mate, wouldn't you question it? Can a love lacking any of these four elements still be considered "true love"? A love that never speaks the mind (without the mind), is like a heart- filled abundance of joy with a pinch of sorrow. A love that only speaks the mind (without the heart), is like a best-seller fiction that would never be proven true. Just as a love that never touches (without the body), is the sweetest kiss with a sour after-taste. And a love that can't unite (without a soul), is an exotic capo de monti masterpiece that is always hollow and empty inside that might shatter into bits and pieces under pressure. Imagine your heart with a missing ventricle...well you probably wouldn't be able to because you won't survive for long. Let's say with the miracle of Science you will be able to live for a week...how does your body cope with it? Restrictions, breathing problems, chest discomforts, weakness and death. Think about love in the same situation, lacking one of it's major components...how does your love survive?

Too Hot!!!

Most of my friends from East Coast find it amusing whenever I complain about the weather in California. For most states in the United States, California seems to have the most favorable climate. That didn't matter, not being able to experienced extensive climatic variations in other places, the heat of California summer is bad enough to squeeze my sweat glands and dry up my mucosal linings. Water, sure it helps; ice cream, oh yes it sure does helps. As a matter of fact, I went to this nearby diner, Denny's at 132nd Street in Hawthorne and after ordering my steak lunch with slices of tomatoes, I ordered an Oreo sundae. It was so good that I finished it to the last spoon; only to have taken another walk back home with a couple of plastic bags from Rite-Aide Drug Store where I bought some scotch tapes, Kleenex tissues and antacids. That was a very good afternoon walk for me under the sun. Sometimes I take walks to allow myself to get to think about things. I don't know why walking helps us think things thoroughly. I have a room to myself but it was still different when I am using my feet along with my brain cells activities. I had a few things that need to get straighten out and therefor needed to be thought of. So there was I on a Saturday stroll, having a good time of my life under the heat of the summer skies. Oh God, it was so hot!

Middle of the Road

What I have felt this week was rather indescribable. I barely blog but it seems like writing about how I feel actually helps me balance myself. I see every angle of my current life with all unfinished businesses. From love life to career, nothing seemed to be in order. I found myself in the middle of the intersecting roads not knowing which way to take; I was distraught, perhaps depressed and all i did was slumped like a rotund and stayed at the center of them all. I have mixed feelings of sadness, irritation and confusion. I have many questions I don't have answers for and still try to figure out how to get solutions to these equations. I normally write poems to free myself from these clusters, but lately I couldn't come up with anything. This is somehow the reason I end up writing this musing. I knew that talking to friends can always help, but I am the type of person who prefer keeping things to myself. However, I tried it this time, talked to someone not really close to me but I have a huge respect for her and see her more of a leader than a close friend. But I trusted her, for my own personal reason I do...trust her. I wrote her a letter, told her most of my troubles, not in details but she is a very intelligent woman, and writing a litany of them all wouldn't be necessary and she respects my way of disclosing myself to her. She didn't suggest probable solutions, she is not the dictating type that would tell you what should or shouldn't be done about them. She just lend me her ears, allowed me to use my voice then finally gave me her understanding, not judgement, pure understanding. So magical that I felt a lot better after few exchanges of emails. My problems still need to be taken care of, but that's not the point here, it's how I felt about them before and after I have talked to her. Now I am still in the middle of the road, only this time, choosing which way to go wouldn't be difficult to decide on anymore. My sincerest thanks to her.

Where Are The Grannies?

First, I could get fired from my job for writing and posting this. More than a week ago, my beloved and I were having this conversation about huge changes coming up on health care industries. I was throwing out all my frustrations in his ears about all the “craps” going on where I work (sorry, I can’t think of a better statement to describe my disgust). I have been working for a 24- hour Skilled Nursing Facility in Southern California for over 15 years and through all these times I’ve witnessed how the purpose of these facilities transformed from giving the highest quality of patient care to how much Medicare reimbursement will be collected. Aside from the ways these profitable hospitals and nursing homes are getting accustom to, the statistical data of client census based on Medical Conditions and age groups were remarkably modified as well. Way back on 1990, I was working as a caregiver in a residential home in Oakland, California and I can honestly say that it wasn’t really an easy job to provide care services for 28 residents with individual demands and different level of assistance needed but regardless, I really enjoyed it. Back then, the facility residents were mostly geriatrics and the biggest challenge for me was giving them and the best care they obviously deserve and providing the homelike atmosphere while being away from their families. After a year, I moved to Southern California, and began working at higher level of care facilities which most people called nursing homes. I worked from clerical assistance to managing the Health Information Department. Within my first five years of working for a skilled nursing facility, the atmosphere was not really different from the way it was on residential care facilities where I have also worked for; we have older patients occupying 80% of the total census population who usually were admitted with Diagnoses of Uncontrolled Diabetes or Hypertension, History of CVA (stroke), Early Stage of Dementia which impaired their ability to care for themselves, Congestive Heart Failure, Incontinence of Urine and Feces, Seizure Disorder, Cancer, Renal Failure requiring Peritoneal or Hemodialysis, Altered Level of Consciousness, Colostomy Status and Dehydration or Malnutrition where they require Gastrostomy Feeding, TPN or IV hydration. I saw nurses who have gotten into enjoyable conversation with them while care was provided. The paper works the staff was doing were concise yet never get them in serious troubles with the health department inspections. Their time was significantly utilized mostly on their patients, which was why we hardly had complaints from them or their families. Now, it is very disappointing to see how this grandeur focus was shifted to making money and “getting away” with it. The geriatric population is now diminishing and the increasing number of younger residents with History of Drug Abuse and Alcoholism became so overwhelming. Now, we are dealing with clients of 45 years of age and below, mostly with Severe Mental Illnesses with Bizarre and Sexually Inappropriate Behaviors, AIDS, Hepatitis, History of Tuberculosis, and Withdrawal Syndromes. Truthfully, they were inappropriately placed in nursing homes but because all of them have Medicare coverage (God knows how they got those) they became “patients” who required 24 hour nursing care. The government imposes regulations after regulations which squeeze the proprietors and administration for Federal OBRA, Health and Safety Code, HIPAA and Title 22 (State) compliance. Do they really care about the services rendered? NO! They only passed these laws because they knew that most healthcare facilities won’t be able to follow through all these guidelines so then they can most likely issue citations for violations that would cost the owners thousand of dollars on penalties. Here is where the question of “Which really comes first, the egg or the chicken?” becomes appropriate. Evaluating the situation, which one really caused the nursing homes failure to operate the way they were intended for? Is it the legislation that keeps on imposing laws for supposedly implementation of “higher standards of care” via scary inspections on facilities for “higher fines”? Or is it the nursing home administrations that focus more on profit while overlooking the goal to provide care? Either one of them or both is responsible, although I know for sure who suffer the most in this dilemma, the NURSES. I see them taken away from what they were taught in nursing school. They become a lot more exposed to huge liabilities and abuse allegations while not getting sufficient supports from their employers, which may also put their licenses on jeopardy (where lawyers mostly feast on) while getting their brains more twisted off dealing with more psychiatric than medical conditions while lacking proper trainings on such. They give more hours within their shifts on chart documentation to show “proof of compliance” and “higher reimbursements” rather than getting involved with their patients’ activities of daily living and health needs. Now while writing this, I just remembered this Warner Bros. cartoon character, Yosemite Sam after being defeated by Bugs Bunny in their little battle saying, “If you can not beat them, join them.” Perhaps I would prefer, “If I can’t swallow their water, I must spit it out.”

Poetry in Controversy

The argument of whether a “free verse”, (commonly known as free form poetry), must be considered a method of writing poetry or not has been going on way before the 19th century. Poets from England like Aldington have stated that free verse poetry was not insisted as the only way of writing poetry but fighting for it as principle of liberty. On the other hand, Robert Frost considered it as playing tennis without a net. The use of blank verse poetry, which was popular in Shakespeare’s works, was even a more considerable form of poetry than free verse. Prose poetry, which was originated in France, was also argued upon as to whether it is a form of poetry or prose. T. S. Eliot even wrote “No verse is free for a man who wants to do a good job.” (I’m so glad; we didn’t belong to the same generation). I’ve been told by some other writers who have studied English and Literature that my “pieces” do not follow such guidelines for writing poems. It is so true that whenever I write something, I don’t, as matter of fact never count my syllables nor restrict the length of my lines. Some experts might even ask if they are real poems or some chants for fun. So I, being the curious Rogie (not George, the monkey), I surfed the internet for forms of writing (while I was taking a break from my Mathematics review, thanks God I still have my head on the right place). I also sought the advice of a gifted writer of Blog Writers Artists Network and this is what he said to me, “When you write, do not worry about what others think, just write. We are story tellers, word smiths and dream weavers. Tell the story. Let if flow out of the pen and onto the paper.”

“An artist/ writer is any one who does not just make a creative masterpiece, but also appreciate the “work” of another regardless of the way an art was created; after all it is someone’s expression” - Rogie

LEND YOUR EARS

Few weeks back, I've heard from a family friend that his cousin, age 18, had committed suicide. Anyone who knew "Joseph", such as I, could not believe that he ended his own life with a click of a devil's toy in his head. "What? No, not Joseph... It's impossible...And where the hell did he get that gun? Did he really kill himself? No…not Joseph. It can’t be." Those who heard about this incident had asked these exact same questions. I've seen Joseph in every family party we had and attended to. Ahhh, Joseph, a very babbly, almost annoying boy who laughs out loud and buys dry jokes. Even so, he would come to every guest coming to the door and greet them politely. The day he died, he sent this text message to his mother's cell phone,{I LOVE YOU, MOM}, about an hour before she reached home from work where she found her son half seated, half-lying on his bed with blood all over his pillows and bed spread. God, we didn't really know why. Not even his own mother, who was still mourning from her husband's (Joseph's father) recent death seemed to know why her son could have done such a thing. She was really clueless.
Did Joseph get short coping with his grief over his father’s sudden death? Maybe, Could be. He was with him the day he died. They were in the freeway northbound 405, on their home with his father driving when he suddenly lost consciousness, and Joseph had to garb the steering wheel and crossed his left leg over his to step on the brake. The paramedics pronounced him dead before reaching the hospital. The autopsy ruled out Brain Aneurysm. All this happened about a couple of months ahead his suicide.
Was it gang-related issues involving drugs or alcohol? Maybe, Could be. But should this be true, it's going to be even more surprising since Joseph mostly hanged-out with his cousins when not at home after schools or during school breaks.
Was he “crazy”, or have any Psychiatric problems? Maybe. Could Be. For one thing, he may be really depressed and if he was, Oh, Boy! He was really good at hiding it. Crazy? Not sure. Aren’t we all are?
A lot more theories have played the minds of the people surrounding his life. I've been thinking about him for days and weeks after his death. As a matter of fact I still am thinking about him. I have posted blogs about this incident in my other groups too, but never get to details such as this one. I was wondering if he ever tried to talk to anyone about his feelings or concerns, or if the person he tried to speak to ever paid a little more attention or give another hour to listen. Then maybe, just... maybe he will still be around. Sometimes, when people came to us and started talking about some problems we got sour, obviously, we have our own “baggage” to carry too and we don’t want to be bothered more by hearing someone else's. Its human nature and we are not perfect. But we should feel blessed if someone comes to us and trust us enough to confide in us. Why? Because then we should know that we are to be chosen by God as his instrument for someone in need and wanted to reach out. Lending your ears can make a difference to someone's life. Looking through someone's eyes can also be another way to know the truth. Not all honesty can be revealed in words. Joseph's death reminded me of a poem I wrote two months ago when I saw my girlfriend’s “supposedly happy picture”. Her eyes from that photograph got my attention, they were saying something else.

YOUR EYES
By: Rogelita Jimenez (Angelika)
©(02-2007)


You’re imposing with your smile so dazzling
On the water a “brightest” reflection of sun shining
Like a diamond streak on the creek that flows
You’re like a tree leaf that tickles in a second the wind blows

You laugh out loud at the jokes in a crowd
The loneliness you feel always in shroud
You dance your head in different direction
Choreography in purpose, to mask your desolation

But I am a friend, who would know you ‘til the end
The empty feeling that bends, even I can’t seem to mend
Your heart is big, still feel alone
Another one like yours may set it atone

I see your act for a play will sell
But I see your eyes I still can tell
They were bare and null, revealed your barren mind
They can’t justify your pretenses, despite of all the lines

The sadness that insisted in you
You only have it because you let it to
To sky you must now look up to
Your eyes to let it shine through

The tears you control, you successfully tanked inside
Through your eyes, let it flow, there’s no need for it to hide
Stop concealing the truth in your obsolete, absolute smile
Your eyes never lie, if you cry, it’ll be all worthwhile.

Defense VS Offense

At work, I got involved in a 30-minute lunch break discussion at the employees' lounge. The topic is about how one can protect herself/ himself from any possible STD's (Sexually Transmitted Disease) if you are seriously involved with someone you love. Ok, here is how it started... Luis, our maintenance personnel shared his supposedly "love story" with us. He met his girlfriend at a birthday party 6 months ago. Obviously, after few weeks of "getting to know" stage, they upgraded the relationship to the "getting familiar" stage. In the beginning, they were practicing safe sex by using "raincoats" (lol). Eventually, when so much familiarity and trust has been established, they care less about using protection. Why? Everyone knows that the ultimate pleasure in sex is highly achievable with “bare skin”. So much so, some believe that absolute belongingness can be proven with total fusion without any presence of barrier. Some, may just simply say, it meant nothing but ignorance. Wait, that wasn't really the climax of the story. Now, here is why the topic got too steamy. Aside from working at our facility, Luis also owns a plumbing business. There were times when he couldn't get to see his girlfriend for weeks which sometimes become an issue between them. Luis got upset when his girlfriend, who is a nurse, asked him for "clearance". He said, "I am not taking any friggin' needle-stick for some embarrassing tests just to satisfy her damn curiosity." He also began questioning her loyalty and trust. After our few exchanges of views, he surprisingly agreed to take the test. As a matter of fact, he said they might take the STD test together. Are you wondering what I told him?
There is only one thing you need to avoid STD……common sense. I remember once my Physics teacher in college told our class, “Commons sense is a sense that is not common.” For instance, there are only 2 ways of which one can avoid getting STD’s. The first one is called “fasting” (no sex at all). Ok I can hear a lot of complaints already (“Oh, hell no, that can’t be possible!” Well, the other way is practice safe sex. Common sense, isn’t it? Now, does asking your partner to take an STD clearance tests can be really offensive? Of course, it can be but I don’t disagree with it. It’s not a breach of trust or question of love. It’s a practical method and acceptance that human is susceptible to human error. How are you going to protect yourself? However, the way to get your partner to agree with you with the clearance tests must be taken in consideration as well. It can be effective if instead of asking him or her to get one, you explain the benefits of knowing what you have or don’t have by simple tests and the risks as well of not knowing them at all. It will also be just fair to get both of you, sex participants, tested instead of pushing your partner to get tested while convincing you don’t need one.
Most STD’s are irreversible such as AIDS, Syphilis, Drug-resistant Gonorrhea and Herpes. Combined Antibiotics may keep some of them on dormant stages but won’t be able to remove or clear them completely and may also get chances of recurrence. Some anti/retrovirals can only suppress the risk of transmission or slow down the progression of the disease but again won’t be able to cure it. So be defensive, it won’t matter if you will sound offensive, as long as you stay healthy and safe.